Physics and
Astronomy Humor
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The Physicists' Bill of Rights
Author Unknown
We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious, that
all physicists are born equal, to a first approximation, and are endowed
by their creator with certain discrete privileges, amoung them a mean rest
life, n degrees of freedom, and the following rights which are invarient
under all linear transformations:
| I. |
To approximate all problems to ideal cases. |
| II. |
To use order of magnitude calculations whenever deemed
necassary (ie whenever one can get away with it). |
| III. |
To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for solving
problems more complex than the additions of positive real integers. |
| IV. |
To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" and
"unphysical". |
| V. |
To invoke the uncertainty principle whenever confronted
with confused mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists,
and andere schweinhund. |
| VI. |
To the extensive use of "bastard notations" where conventional
mathematics will not work. |
| VII. |
To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives
the right answer. |
| VIII. |
To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using
the principle of general triviality. |
| IX. |
To use plausuble arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth
refer to those arguments as proofs. |
| X. |
To take on faith any principle which seems right but
cannot be proven. |
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The ABC's of Astronomy
by Sally
A is for Astronomy, the science of far out
B is for Big Bang, how the cosmos came about
C is for Chandrasekhar, who knew things compact
D is for Dark Matter, whose existence is a fact
E is for Eddington, and matters radiative
F is for Faraday, and wave planes rotative
G is for Galaxies, which fly between voids
H is for Hubble, who knew disks from ellipsoids
I is for Ionization, revealing energy states
J is for Julian Day, for periodic dates
K is for Kepler, and his revolution
L is for Local Group, a galaxian profusion
M is for Molecular Cloud, a protostellar batter
N is for Neutron Star, the densest of matter
O is for Oort Cloud, that beyond Pluto lies
P is for Photon, the coveted prize
Q is for Quasar, the most energetic
R is for Redshift, revealing the kinetic
S is for Supernova, nucleosynthesis site
T is for Telescope, gatherer of light
U is for Ultraviolet, seen only from space
V is for Virial Theorem, an equilibrium case
W is for Wolf-Rayet Star, massive and bright
X is for X-ray, where hot things emit light
Y is the fraction of helium by amassed
Z is for Zenith, the highest and last.
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The ABC's of Physics
by A. Schaefer, A. Gershenson and M. Allersma
A is for ATOM which is really small
B is for BUBBLE CHAMBER where you can see them
all
C is for CHARGE which can be quite shocking
D is for DIPOLE gives radiation by oscillating
E is for EINSTEIN who said E=mc^2
F is for FEYNMAN whose diagrams make me scared
G is for GRAVITY pulling things down
H is for HYPERFINE STRUCTURE in hydrogen found
I is for INERTIA explaining lethargy
J is for JOULE a unit of energy
K is for KIRCHOFF'S LAWS to get the current right
L is for LASER a really bright light
M is for MAXWELL and his cool equations
N is for NEWTON and his integrations
O is for OPTICS and all that light biz..
P is for PHYSICIST which is what daddy (mommy)
iz
Q is for QUANTUM and fun with Prof. Yao
R is for RELATIVITY what time is it now?
S is for SEMICONDUCTORS which are really cool
T is for TRANSISTOR a useful tool
U is for UNIFIED FIELD THEORY which remains to
be found
V is for VOLTAGE (don't forget to ground!)
W is for WAVE with its myriad effects
X is for X-RAY what else did you expect?
Y is for YOUNG'S DOUBLE SLIT EXPERIMENT (what
a mouthful)
Z is for ZEEMAN EFFECT and that is all!
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A Physicist Considers
Consumer Warning Labels
by Prof. Ravi Jain
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products
that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the
cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely
scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area.
This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join
together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous
placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product
offered for sale in the U.S.A. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
Warning: This product attracts every other piece of matter in
the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force
proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to
the distance between them.
Caution: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent
of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
Handle with extreme care! This product contains minute electrically
charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million
miles per hour.
Consumer notice: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle", it is
impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely
where this product is and how fast it is moving. (Note: This one is optional
on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle
was correct)
Advisory: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that,
through a process known as tunnelling, this product may spontaneously disappear
from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe,
including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible
for any damages or inconvenience that may result.
Read this before opening package: According to certain suggested
versions of the grand unified theory, the primary particles constituting
this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million
years.
This is a 100% matter product: In the unlikely event that this
merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion
will result.
Public notice as required by law: Any use of this product, in
any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe.
Although no liability is implied herin, the consumer is warned that this
process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.
Note: The most fundamental particles in this product are held
together with a gluing force about which little is currently known, and
whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.
Attention: Despite any other listing of product contents found
hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists
of 99.9999999999% empty space.
New grand unified theory disclaimer: The manufacturer may technically
be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However, the
consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond
those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions
are "rolled up" into such a small "area" that they cannot be detected.
Please Note: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when
the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist
or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
Component equivalency notice: The subatomic particles (electrons,
protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable
respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim
to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
Health warning: Care should be taken when lifting this product,
since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative
to the user.
Important notice to purchasers: The entire physical universe,
including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally
small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence
of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
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A Lawyer Interpretes the
Physicist
by Paula D. (lawyer) and Stephen K. (physicist)
(a lawyer from the Pacific and a physicist from Europe team-up
for the Science Humor Ring)
1. Conservation of Energy: The total energy (i.e. the sum of potential
and kinetic energy) of a closed system doesnt change under the influence
of conservative forces. Closed means that the system doesnt exchange matter
with its environment.
A lawyer should never transform potential to kinetic energy without
the appropriate safeguards for payment of attorney's fees. The law firm
is a closed system too, determined by conservative forces in that - in
a law firm you NEVER change the established rule that : "Once the client
sits down in front of you, the clock starts ticking and so does billing
time." Try changing that and YOU GET FIRED !
2. Conservation of Momentum: Momentum is the product of mass and
velocity. As energy is related to time, momentum is to space.
Mass and velocity - the more cases you have, the faster you must
work or you lose all of them, including your job. Energy is related to
time in that you have more energy before your court hearings in the morning,
and depletion usually occurs in the afternoon or when the coffeemaker suddenly
churns out decaf.
3. Newton's First Law: A body on which no forces are acting will
continue in its state of motion. This means it will stay at rest, if it
has been resting initially, or will move in a straight line at constant
speed. Moving straight or being at rest is physically equivalent.
If a Partner is not watching, lawyers will continue chit-chatting
or just stay idle behind their desks. But once a Partner appears, they
start walking in a straight line, at constant speed back to their rooms...
4. Heinsenberg's uncertainty principle: The more precise you measure
where a thing is, the smaller is your knowledge about its velocity and
vice-versa
A criminal can defy all laws of gravity, in fact, his flight can
be faster than the speed of light.... you switch on the light, and he suddenly
disappears...and he was there awhile ago !!! no physicist would want to
measure his velocity...wanna get killed while measuring ????
5. Quantum Zenon effect: You can keep a system from changing
by repeatedly measuring the state of the system
If you keep annoying the judge, you are liable to be cited for contempt.
But UNLIKE quantum zenon effect, the system can REALLY change.....you can
end up in jail and no amount of physics will save you, better post bail,
honey.
6. Theory of Relativity : E= mc2
Energy = mass of clients (squared, or the more the merrier...the
more energy you have :) OR
Energy = mass of money of clients, squared or otherwise.
7. Principle of General Relativity: One cannot distinguish
between gravity and acceleration....so for example in a case of free fall,
you feel weightless because the effects of gravity and downward acceleration
just cancel.
Sometimes you want to stand up, but when you see your calendar of
deadlines, you sit down again (gravity)...then when the Partner calls you
to report on the status of the case at the upper floor, it seems the elevator
just wont move and seems to want to stay at your floor....then voila !
it happens.... the great theory of general relativity - if you havent done
your assignments on time, you fall into irreparable embarrassment, you
just fall.....fall....fall.....deeper and deeper...your status in the law
firm cant accelerate any faster...you just go with gravity - down, down,
down...
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Sexual Antics Of An Electron
+ by Eddy Current -
One night while his charge was high and his confidence level rising, Micro
Farad went about to find a cute little cell to discharge with. He picked
up Milli Amp and took her on a date that night. They drove across Wheatstone
Bridge and had lunch in a magnetic field near the flowing current. Later,
they went to a Tesla concert, where Micro made his shocking discovery.
It seems Milli Amp was easily seduced by heavy metal music and could no
longer conduct herself. Micro, attraced by Milli's luscious sine curves,
finally got her field fully excited and her resistance at a minimum. He
laid her on a ground potential, raised her frequency and lowered her capacitance.
Pulling out his high frequency probe, he inserted it into her socket,
connecting them in parallel, and began short-circuiting her shunts. Fully
excited, Milli Amp mumbled, "Mho, Mho, give me Mho!!". With Micro's tube
operating at maximum and his coil vibrating from the current flow, he soon
got her shunt sizzling hot. Micro decided to go for it all, said "Watt
the hell!" and smothered his face in Milli's pulsating joules. They fluxed
all night long, trying every socket combination they knew of, until Micro
began to lose his thrust. His bar magnet formed a soft iron core and had
lost all its field strength. Micro's capacitor was discharging rapidly
and soon every last electron was drained from his circuits. Frustrated,
Milli Amp tried self-induction but only ended up damaging her solenoid.
With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his transformer,
so they ended the night by reversing polarity and blowing each other's
fuses.
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Is hell exothermic
or endothermic?
Urban Legend
A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for
his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic?
Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: "First, we
postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do,
then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving
into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since,
there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to
more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go
to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and
volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate
than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure
in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is
expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the
temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over."
It was not revealed what grade the student got.
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A more thorough treatment
of the hell thing...
More Urban Legend
Certainly this (see above) raises some extremely profound questions which
I'm afraid were merely glossed over in the analysis below. Unfortunately,
there is considerable uncertainty in the theological underpinnings, preventing
any glib answer to the question of whether hell is exothermic or endothermic.
Although there is a certain amount of culturally correlated uncertainty
regarding the exact nature of hell (most people seem to feel that hell
is a somewhat extreme variant of where they live), I presume that for present
purposes, despite having just endured a cold winter, we may consider it
hot. Three questions immediately come to mind:
-
Is there a heat production mechanism other than mass-energy accretion from
in-falling souls to keep hell hot,
-
To what degree is hell thermally isolated from the larger environment,
hence protected against radiating its heat away on unacceptably short time
scales, and
-
What amount of work (if any) has to be done to expand the boundaries of
hell? Generations of fervent churchmen have assured us that if we do (or
don't do) this or that, that we will "burn in hell forever".
However, there is a great deal of uncertainty about the exact mechanism
underlying the fulfillment of this promise. For example, consider the initialization
of hell. Popular belief would often have it that souls of the dead are
dispatched to their eternal "reward" (either eternity in hell or eternity
in heaven with Pat Buchanan, if that's a valid dichotomy) immediately after
death, so that "auntie is now in heaven watching over us" or the intercession
of saints makes sense. On the other hand, the book of Revelations seems
clear that we are to expect a Day of Judgment at some time in the future,
and only then will those condemned to hell be cast thereinunto. (As I recall,
this became a major kafuffle around the 14th century, in which the rigorous
view, propounded by some scholars and at least one pope, was only dissipated
by invoking traditional methods of settling theological questions -- papal
bulls, church councils, learned disputation in the University of Paris,
numerous burnings at the stake and a couple of judicious poisonings.)
In one model, hell is unpopulated now and hopefully until at least after
tea time this afternoon (or perhaps it's attended by a small but thermodynamically
irrelevant house staff of exceedingly bored demons), but will then suddenly
receive a huge pulse of souls on Judgment Day. Rather like stellar accretion,
this influx could in principle cause a very large burst of heating, enough
to make hell truly hellacious when it's most needed, while eliminating
a very large heating bill for an empty facility. Of course to make this
work well, it's necessary that souls be cast into hell from fairly random
directions, lest this potential source of heating be diluted by a large
component of coherent motion, but presumably this can be attended to. We
may view this as an eschatological version of the big bang theory.
In the other model, hell is probably undergoing something like an exponential
increase in population through time, and we are thus presented with a steadily
increasing influx of mass-energy. The continuous arrival of new energy
under this steady-state model makes thermal isolation of hell a less serious
concern in the short run, but still does carry with it the danger that
if the Last Days finally arrive and the supply of incoming souls is cut
off, then eventually, even if hell is insulated to R40, it will cool off,
thus weakening the eternal nature of perdition. Since this would have God
breaking one of his most frequently reiterated promises to mankind, it
is presumably theologically unacceptable. mankind, it is presumably theologically
unacceptable.
Although reasonable folk may differ, and without the slightest desire
to make a dogmatic assertion about a matter of such great moment, I would
like to suggest the following:
-
The economy of nature suggests that hell is heated only by accretion of
souls, whether steady-state or big-bang. No additional source of heat production
should be required.
-
Hell is thermally isolated in the sense of a classical (pre-Hawkings) black
hole -- you can increase its energy content by throwing in more souls,
but nothing comes out.
-
Hell expands more or less isothermally (although detailed calculations
on heat transport in the big-bang theory remain to be done, and the possibility
of Hawking radiation of pair-produced souls near the edges of hell cannot
yet be ruled out, a major theological dilemma). 4. Anyone who disagrees
with even one teensy tiny detail of the conclusions of this infallible
analysis will roast in hell forever.
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How to Irritate Scientists
by Paula Defensor
These jokes are dedicated to Stephen Hawking,
one of the great minds of science, for making the profound
in theoretical physics within reach of ordinary mortals.
-
Ask a scientist why, if he's so brilliant, he can't make money.
-
Ask a scientist for the formula to transform energy into passion.
-
Ask a scientist to turn a black hole white.
-
Ask a scientist if his mother was a primate. Tell him you appreciate
honesty.
-
Ask a scientist if he has B.A., B.S., M.S., M.A., M.D. or a Ph.D.
Than ask if he has a J.O.B.
-
Tell a scientist that if he loves you, he will do everything to stop evaporation.
When he asks why, tell him you just broke one of those test tubes in the
fridge.
-
When he asks why you keep buying so much make-up, tell him that steady
stat cosmoloegy is the study of fine particules and you're about to prove
a theory. When he asks "What?" tell him: "Tired scientists can still
have endurance.
-
Ask a scientist: "Darling, what happens if the universe stops expanding
and then starts contracting ? Will the thermodynamic arrow be in reverse
and disorder begin to decrease with time ?" When he asks why you're asking...tell
him : "Oh, just wondering... I think I broke your eyeglasses to pieces."
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This page was last modified May 9, 1999.